My little blueberry

Yesterday was a gorgeous day and we went down by the water. Of course MOM had her camera on hand, and snapped a few shots of baby, oh I did take picture of the ocean.. will show those later!!

I think yesterday some more brain nerves snapped into place. She was different, alert, and was smiling more then ever! It was amazing how just in a matter of 24 hours. So our walk was of mommy and daddy smiling the whole time, as our little bundle of joy watched the world for the first time. It was amazing how she just absorbed and watched. With those big blue eyes of her's. How we as adults forget how wonderful the world is, and looking at it threw her eyes really makes you open yours again.

Life and a poopy diaper

Life is passing by me at whirlwind speed that I just can't keep up with it. I am learning on how to cope with my life situation. How to manage my emotions, and keep my head held high, and most of the time I can do it. But there are days that I just can't and my walls cave in and I suddenly feel like I just can't stand anymore. How I would love a good stiff drink!!!!
They you are to learning from what is going on in ones life, and that there is a life lesson here. Well I am being blasted with life lessons and it's happening all at once. Has been since the end of July.

On a happier note, Adele is growing, and she is slowly becoming. She smiles more and more everyday.. but that evens out the crying that she does.

TODAY she pooped and peed ALLLLL over mommy. Diaper wasn't on properly. I was laughing so hard, not because of what happened, but how I realised what she had done. I was just sitting with her, and I was well very engorged in the breasts so I had been uhm leaking. I felt wet and though OMG she can't eat fast enough, then the uhm heavenly smell appeared, and I thought OHHH time to change her. She was making faces just a few moments ago. Then my little angel looks up at me SMILING.. I thought OHHHH how cute. THEN it I clued in... I was COVERED. That little diaper just could hold the explosion that occured. So her pj's are covered, mommy is covered, and she's smiling!!!! That's my girl!

Oh heavenly product called "SHOUT" please take the stains out. Oh and I forgott to mention that she also got a pillow as well!

So in the end of all this babbling what have I learnt ... THAT SHIT HAPPENS
Deal with it

For my mom

This blog is for you mom.
My mom and I don't meet eye to eye on the best of times, and we have our moments, but like my father my mom has taught me strong values. I have learned kindness and understand and she is the other half of who I am today. I don't think I really would be where I am if it wasn't for my mom. She has supported me threw so much, and I don't give her the credit she deserves. She wiped my tears when I was crying and rocked me to sleep when monsters were under my bed or in the closet.

I could never understand her love for me, when I was and still at times a reall shit! But after giving birth and looking into my daughter's eyes I see why now, that a mother's love in unconditional!!!!

I know that my mom is going threw something that I could never imagine would ever happen. It wasn't supposed to be this way. My father and her were to grow old together, sit in a rocking chair swing and yell at the kids in the street. But life throws wrenchs at you, forks in the road.

My mom is a strong woman. I should know I get my strenght from her.

WE as a family will get threw this, we will grow and be strong together. Mom, Dee, and I.

I love you mom, don't ever doubt that

Love Bean

Myths about Midwife

Well yesterday was my last midwife appointment, and it was sad to say goodbye. Aisia Salo was fantastic, and couldn't have asked for a better person to bring our daughter into this world.
Myths about midwives
1. Place of birth - my daughter was not born in a hippie van or in a barn. She was born in the hospital ( but one can choose to have a home birth)
2. Midwives are women from the outback - Midwives are highly educated people that require them to go threw and intense 4 year program.
3. Midwives aren't doctors - no they aren't but they have knowlege that are strictly for birth and taking care of baby. If they see a problem, they will send you to a doctor. They ARE your primary care giver, and take CARE of YOU and baby. Doctors have way to many things on their plate.
4.The best part of a midwife is that it was covered by the health care system.

to sleep or not to sleep, that is the question

The sleep issue is I think the one thing parents struggle with... oh and the crying.
These past few days Adele has tested and broke mommy. Yesterday was baaaddddddddd. To the point that I called Dustin in tears to come home. Lack of sleep and her crying all day, just broke me.
We have been trying to get her to sleep in her bassenette and the night before she cried and cried and cried and OH cried some more. SO NO SLEEP... and she fought sleep yesterday.. she refused to close her eyes, hence mommy crying in the end.

So last night she sleep between us, and that worked. She slept threw most of the night and woke up around 4:30am for a feeding.

So mommy and daddy got somewhat of a sleep.. so I feel normal... but what really is NORMAL now.

When time is getting close to saying good-bye

As I write this post I do not know what state my father is in. We recieved the call that he was back in the hospital, no biggy I thought he has been in and out, because of chemo anything like a cold can be deadly. But this call was different. My father suffered sever pain all over his body, that according to my mom looked at her in the eyes and begged her to stop it. I can not imagine what that was like for my mom, but I know it had to be devasting. Listening to Dustin talk to her on the phone, tears rolled down my face.

After getting him to the hosptial and after 2 hours of intense pain there, they finally gave him enough drugs to put him to sleep and take away the pain. My mom explain that the drugs they were using were so strong that he could stop breathing so she laid beside him and held place her head on his back and wrap her arms around and held his hands, and when she thought he was pain free and alseep she would try to pull away,but he would hang on to her. Tears pour down my face as my mom is telling me this story. Finally he was in a deep sleep and she was able to leave and go home.

As I look at my daughter and her big eyes, I know that I have to get her home to be with him. It is one of the last things on his wish list. The cancer as I have learned has pretty much spread threw his body. He is going for chemo on tuesday and perhaps radiation.

My father is a good man, who has a kind and wonderful heart. Who has always treated people with respect, no matter who they are. I hope that as my daughter grows older that I teach her the values that my father has taught me. I see my dad in her.

I am not looking forward to the day that I must say good-bye... I am not looking forward to opening Skype or MSN messanger and knowing that he will never sign onto his computer again, to never see his name pop up and have the words written out "Good morning from the great north".

from arms to bassenette

My little one is nearly 6 weeks old already. I still can't believe how time has been flying now. Well last night the husband decided that we should try and get her to sleep in her bassenette. For those of you who didn't know, she has been sleep in my arms either on the couch or in bed, and last night was the first night I was not there to comfort her. Before becoming a mom I would have thought "well it's about time" or " must have been nice to not have her with you", but to be honest I missed her. It was so hard on me. Did I have a good night sleep.. well actually I did and didn't. I found myself awake listening to her breath, and every sound she made I was up listening. When it was time to get up and feed her I did so, then placed her back in her bed, as much as I wanted to bring her to bed with me, I had to be consistant. KILLED ME. My husband doesn't completely understand, and that's ok.

As I write this, I am on my own. Husband took Adele so I can have some time to myself. Yet I miss her. Again pre-mommyhood "great time to yourself". I find I feel like I am running around with my head cut off. What do I do??? There are so many things that I can get done, but right now all I want is to sit and watch a movie, and cuddle my little one.

Wow how becoming a mom can really change you. I never thought I would see myself as a mom. Or be able to love somethign SO much, that you heart just feels empty when they are gone.